Monday, August 15, 2011

#29 Pigeon IV: A Child and Voicemails

By now, you should be familiar with the antics of my most annoying tenant, Pigeon.   Why is it that one of the worst tenants is the one that calls me every day with some kind of annoying complaint?  Maybe that's what makes her the worst tenant.  Either way, she's a huge pain in my ass.

Pigeon has a child. Upon seeing him, you'd notice this cute four-year old child, with a bright spirit and adorable smile.  It's deceiving, because in reality, this kid is a little shit.  

Our maintenance guy has to go into Pigeon's place every few weeks because her kid has an affinity for unraveling an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet, flushing, and clogging the toilet.  Fucking gross. Like it's my maintenance guy's responsibility to clean up after your dirty ass baby.

I have a coffee table with local business postcards and takeout menus in my office.  In my OCD way, I like to have them in orderly stacks, and placed neatly in categories.
The other day, Pigeon was in my office, and she brought her spawn.  Her asshole kid says,
"Look mommy!  All these cards!"
And then he proceeds to bunch all the cards together and triumphantly throw them in the air with both hands, like LeBron James tossing up talcum powder before a game or Scrooge McDuck relishing in his riches.

After Pigeon scolds him and tells him to sit down, he sits at my Leasing Agent Charlotte's desk, and starts opening up her drawers.  He finds a green highlighter and starts drawing all over her desk calendar.
Pigeon is doing nothing, so I go up to him and take the marker away from him.
"You can't do that."
"Yes I can."
"Why did you draw on my paper?"
"Because I want to."
"Its my marker."
"No! It's my marker."
"No. This is my paper, and my marker and you aren't allowed to draw on it."
"It's my marker and I want to."
I don't even know why I am arguing with this little asshole. He's four-years old.  His logic makes no sense.    All the while, Pigeon is just sitting there looking at her phone.  She chimes in with,
"People tell me he's just hyper and this is normal."
I hear that she beats him.  I kind of don't blame her.

Let's end this with some voicemails Pigeon recently left me. Much like the other ones, these are verbatim.

This one should be read in a calm, yet confused tone:
Hey Mapple. This is Pigeon. I want to know what's goin' on with the mail. The mail...I haven't gotten any mail in 7 days, not even no bill papers.  I didn't even get no bill papers! So can you call me and um, and um, see, and let me know what's going on with the mail please, because this is like really weird. I want my mail. I don't even care if it's a little penny saver, K? Thank you, buh bye, later.
Like I know where your mail disappears to.  Turns out, when your mailbox gets filled up because you don't check it, the mail carrier just takes it back to the post office and saves it.  When Pigeon was giving me her daily call the day after, she said, "Hey, I called you yesterday about something...what was it?" Ugh. Why is she calling me about anything?!

This should be read in an angry, demanding way:
Mapple, this is Pigeon! It is the 1st and I need cable in my apartment.  There's no way somebody stayin' up in here with no cable. That's some... a job, in itself for the building, because you guys are the ones that chose that company, and it's unprofessional.  It's a lot of people up in here having problems with they cable, because they told me, so I need y'all to call the cable people so I can get cable in my apartment. I've been long, like three months? Um, and in this particular apartment, and I was having problems in the other apartment with the cable too.  It shouldn't be like that. I need my cable. On the real. I really do. Um, y'all need to let me know sumn.' Alright. Call me back. I know you know my number for this shit. 213-555-5555. There it is again, and alright Mapple, call me again, and I just put the rent in there, too. Peace...Apartment 801...
Yeah, I know what unit you live in.  Plus, this shit is between you and the cable company.  You call them.  

When typing this, I was hesitant to add punctuation, because she just rambles in one long sentence.  This makes it easier to read, and really, you get the idea.
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