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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

#27 I Love Lesbian Couples

And no, I don't mean that in an ignorant straight guy way.  Lesbian couples are THE BEST tenants, and this is solely based on my statistics of annoyances.
Here's the rundown of the types of babies that live here (and I'm guessing...everywhere):
  • Single Men
  • Single Women (including Single Moms)
  • Young Straight Couples
  • Married Straight Couples (with or without children)
  • Gay Men Couples
  • Lesbian Women Couples
  • Girl Roommates
  • Boy Roommates
  • Mixed Gender Platonic Roommates
  • Fashion Students
There are many other categories within each category, but let's not get in that.  It would be too long, and I'll probably get angry having to think about these babies. 
Each and every single one of these categories has given me issues in one way or another with the exception of Monogamous Lesbian Couples.
These women always pay their rent on time, never call me with stupid bullshit, usually have the coolest units, don't cause noise disturbances, are very cordial to me in the halls, etc. The only issue I've ever had was when the cops were called because there was some domestic dispute, but I didn't have to get involved, so I don't give a shit.   There is even a couple that lives down the hall that I really want to be friends with because they look really cool, and seem to have interesting lives with a diverse group of friends.  I want to be a part of this clique.  I imagine it's like living in a Benetton world. I kind of wish we could only lease to lesbian couples, but (I guess) that's discriminatory.

Although, if my building became an all-female, anti-men utopia, then this blog wouldn't exist because I wouldn't have to face any of the issues that makes this place a goddamn nightmare.
The ideal lesbian couple

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

#26 Things That Occured This Week

I don't have anything good enough this week that can fill a full entry, but here's a bunch of little shit that happened to me this week:
  • One baby wanted me to help him read for an audition in my office.   I had to coach him because he was terrible.  He did buy me falafel, though.
  • Instead of paying me with money when a baby got locked out, she gave me a piece of folded paper and said that it was "Some OG Kush"...to which I took because she seemed so happy to give it to me.  I don't smoke, so...I may give it back and make her give me booze.
  • This baby bounced his check, and sat in my office for an hour and a half bitching to me about how he doesn't think it's worth paying the $150 late fee.  He had two points that he kept repeating over and over again.  He didn't even word it differently.  He just said the same shit repeatedly as if it was a new idea.  I finally had to tell him I needed to leave, so he would leave.  I did that thing you do when you want to leave a restaurant with a group, put my bag over my shoulder and slowly stand up.
  • We had to drain the rooftop hot tub because there was a disgusting gang bang that happened in it.  Seriously.  Why the security guard wasn't looking at the camera to stop it is beyond me. 
  • We have trash chutes on all the floors, and when people don't close the chute, it stinks up that end of the hallway.  I took it upon myself to add nice Febreze Plug-Ins to that end of the hall.  I put up a sign telling people to please close the chute door and enjoy the scent of Brazillian Breeze, and to also not steal it.  So far, at least three have been stolen.  Thanks, dicks.  I guess you just saved $4.50.
    #41 has way more plot twists than #40, but less social commentary than #26
    • Also, one bitch wrote on the sign "They Stink!"....Fuck that unappreciative whore.  I would love to know who this baby is.  OH the things you can do when you have a master key that opens up every unit in the whole building!  
    Ugh.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

#25 More Elevator Signs

Here are some more elevator signs I recently posted to remind these assholes to pay rent.  (Note: there are sports references in this one. Just go with it.)

 I was feeling really uninspired, so I just recycled my most popular sign from the holidays.  It's been five months.  They're ready to see it again.  Plus, lots of new people have moved in since then, and they never got the pleasure of reading this sign, so...it's for them.  That's how I justify it. 
It says "Clip Art is Fun" under the picture, if you can't read that
I just felt like insulting them in the nicest way.  Did you get that?  What I really wanted to put was,"If you pay late, you are a huge pain in my ass, and I fucking hate you." That's too vague, huh?
It was also the NBA Finals, so I had to represent in the corner.
Some asshole baby saw me in my Mavs shirt and said, "so how long have you been a fake Mavs fan?...I don't know why everyone is hatin' on LeBron...We mingle in the same circles..."
  1. Fake Mavs fan?  Fuck you.  Like I'm some bandwagon fan that just liked the Mavs because I hate Lebron.  Like I just went out and bought this shirt.  As if I can even purchase a vintage green Dirk shirt in the streets of LA.  Unless the Dallas Mavericks are called the Los Angeles Lakers, you can't buy a fucking Mavs shirt when you live a few blocks from the Staples Center. 
  2. "Mingle in the same circles"...oh, cool.  The guy that said this to me is an actor. He is most known for his work in a recent remake of a John Waters musical where John Travolta is a tranny.  (He's actually very nice, but fuck him for the sake of this isolated argument.)  Okay, so you're friends with people that are friends with LeBron.  I don't give a shit, because...
  3. I hate LeBron James.  Although, I do want to enroll in his School for Flopping (Zing!). 
There are a lot of people in the film industry that live in my building, so this was like a wink and nod to them.  I wrote this in the way a script is written out (from what I've read of scripts).  You can't see it as well, but the baby's lines are highlighted.
I was really looking forward to acting this out in the elevator with someone.  I did once, and it so happened to be another actor.
Now that I've heard it acted out, it's not very good.  Imagine if this was actual dialogue in a TV show.  I might as well be writing for this season's True Blood.  (Double Zing!  I'll be here all night. Tip your waitresses, everybody.)
 
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