Tuesday, April 24, 2012

#47 Fire Drill

When the fire alarm goes off in the building, lights flash in the hallways and in units, and mechanical voice says "Emergency! Emergency! Please evacuate the building." Yesterday, there was a little mishap with our fire system, and this happened.
I just finished walking my dog and was standing outside anyway.  I looked around to see what the deal was, and I couldn't figure it out, but the beeping and the siren would not go off.  I wait around for people to come down, and literally four people come out.  It was 5pm, and I know there were more people in the building.
If there were an actual emergency, every one of these motherfuckers would die. 
I find it amusing that an alarm is going off, lights are flashing, and people are just sitting there in their lofts ignoring it, continuing on with eBay stalking, watching Dora the Explorer, smoking and littering...whatever bullshit thing they were doing.

Then out walks this new tenant of mine who is a beautiful 21 year old model.  She comes out all angry, and yells at my security guard,
"What The Fuck Is Going On?"
Bitch, you could have asked this nicely instead of yelling at my security guard, who is clueless as to what is happening.
I responded with, "There's a fire on the 1st floor." Just so she thinks there is an actual problem we're dealing with, and not just a phantom alarm.
Model's response: "But I live on the 4th floor.  Not on the 1st floor.  It's going off in my place."

To that, I just walked off like I was hurrying to the fire, just to get away from her.
Like, seriously, bitch?  Does she not know how fire works?  I hope she dies in a tire fire.  Then maybe she'll understand what fire does.
I don't know whether to feel sorry for her for being so stupid or envy her for being so pretty that she doesn't need to use her brain to its full potential to get things in life. 

I figured out how to silence the alarm, and everything went back to normal.  Although, even when I silenced the alarm, the lights were still flashing and people were just using the elevator and checking the mail as if nothing was happening.
The babies are so apathetic.  I swear if someone was getting murdered in the lobby, they would just walk by, trying to avoid getting blood on their clothes.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

#46 Unattended Baggage

I'm sitting at my desk when a baby comes in:
"Hey Mapple, I found this on the 9th floor elevator area.  It was just sitting there.  Is there a lost and found?"
"I'm the lost and found.  I'll just keep it until someone claims it.  Thanks."

I put this suitcase in the back room of my office. 
It had a luggage tag, but the name I didn't recognize and the address was somewhere in Cincinnati, Ohio.

I left this suitcase in the back room and totally forgot about it.

It's been in my office for two weeks now. No one has claimed it.  I was curious to see what was in it, as I'm sure it was nothing, and I was just going to throw it away.

When I opened the suitcase, no beam of light came out.  These were the contents:

Someone left a suitcase full of salsa in the hallway. What's in the small box?  More salsa.

So many questions: Why would anyone send so much salsa? Why was it left in the hallway, never to be claimed?  It's not even local.  The salsa is from Chicago, the address of the suitcase is Ohio.  Who would leave a suitcase of salsa in the hall?

Now I have a shit ton of salsa.  Everything was sealed, so it's all edible.  I don't take to spice very well, and some of the mild salsa is this sweet fruity kind with blueberries in it.  I do not like to mix my fruit with savory or spice, so this is a total waste on me.

Salsa, anyone?

*Writer's Note: I know that wasn't the most enthralling of stories.  I just found it to be weird.  Lynchian, if you will.
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