Tuesday, March 29, 2011

#14 Pigeon II

At 8am, I get a call from AT&T, and I let it go to voicemail.  Soon after that, I get a call from Pigeon, who as also left me a voicemail.

AT&T Guy: Hi, Mapple, your resident Pigeon is being very unreasonable.  She keeps calling me a racist, and you know I am of Hispanic origin, and I take offense to this.  Now she won't let me back into her unit to install her cable.  There isn't anyone else that can service this building.  Can you call my supervisor?"


Pigeon: Mapple!  The cable guy is telling me he ain't installin' my cable.  I know he's installin' cable in other people's places.  He's racist!  I need another cable man.  Call me back! 


I called AT&T and asked him what the deal was.  He said that her TV was too far from the wall jack, and he's not allowed to install cable longer than 6ft.  She didn't understand that, and just got all pissed off at him, demanding he leave and never come back.
I then called Pigeon, told her that she needs to calm down,  and let him install her cable.  I told her that I'll help her move the TV if she can't do it by herself.  She said she was fine with the cable guy coming back, but I had to be present, too.

I get to Pigeon's unit, and I have gotten myself into way too much shit, because I went from being a presence in the room to becoming her interior designer/furniture mover.  Since she moved her TV across the room, she now has to move the rest of her crap. It was a lot her deciding whether or not having the couch in a certain place was "...cute.  You feel me?"
After moving it several times, we ended up leaving the couch in it's original position, and moving everything else.  There was also statements like "I think this would make a good walk way" "That ain't even" "That ain't as cute" "Where is my man?" "I am not feelin' moving this heavy shit in this outfit."

For 45 minutes, I'm moderately sweaty from moving furniture, while Pigeon is barking orders at me.  The whole time, the cable guy is silently installing her cable.  I did all of this because I didn't want her paying attention to him, so he can do what he needs to do and leave.  Like distracting Sauron's gaze.  It was, instead, fixated towards me and her couches. 

Her cable was installed, I had rearranged her whole living room, and Pigeon was happy.  I walked out with the cable guy with a sense of accomplishment.  Like maybe this will be the last time I hear from her.

Much to my chagrin, but luckily for you, it's not. 
The Eye of Pigeon

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

#13 Hooker Cat

*ring ring*
"Hey, this is John in 712, I found a cat in the hall meowing, and I put it in my bathroom because I'm really allergic.  I need to use my bathroom now, so can you take this cat and put it in your office?"
"It's just a random cat you found?  Did you put up signs?"
"Yes, and I'm telling them to call you or Security.  Can you just take it away, I really need to use the bathroom."
"I guess we can put it in the office bathroom."

Now I have to deal with this cat, and I'm crazy allergic to cats.  It is in my office, and has the loudest meow I've ever heard.  I feel bad for it, so much to my chagrin, I let it wander around the office, even though the sight of a cat makes me itch.

I tell security, put up signs, and I emailed everyone on the 7th floor.  I get responses like, "That cat should have a tag" "It's not mine, but I heard that fucker meowing last night in the hall," but the only response I want is "that's mine. Thanks."

The day is over and no one has claimed it. I leave this cat in the model bedroom because it won't leave from underneath the model bed.  The bathroom smells like cat urine, and I don't know what cats do if there's no litter box.  I have no food for it, and my dog is so fascinated, that she won't leave the thing alone, (BTW, I bring my dog to the office sometimes) so the cat is freaked out by that and won't leave from underneath the bed.

The next day, I still get no response.  The cat remains under the bed, I'm sure making it smell like cat piss.  I continue my day, full knowing that there is a cat in the room, and the bathroom still reeks.  I tried feeding the cat this leftover chicken parmesan that was in the fridge.  (Dude, I don't know what cats eat!) All I can think about is how this thing is peeing everywhere.  I thought about leaving the windows open so it'll just jump out or go somewhere else, but I guess that's wrong.  Goddamn it, now it's my responsibility. 

At 11pm that evening, I get an email, "is it a black and white cat with a rainbow collar?" Yes.  Turns out, it's the cat of this 19-year old, high-class prostitute that lives on the 7th floor.  Upon moving in, she said she was a Hustler model, which was true, but I didn't think that a spank mag model makes enough to pay for a $1700 one-bedroom loft.  I later found out that she is a well-paid whore, like the kind that services celebrities. I told her to save her money.
She went out of town and the cat slipped out, so that's why I had the fucking thing for so long.  The next day, that's Day 3 of this allergy ridden cat fiasco, I carried the cat like it was biohazard to the hooker's unit.  Dropped it off at her place, and took a shower.

I really hate cats...and this goddamn job.
This is my dog not leaving this stupid cat alone

Here's the cat again, just giving me allergies

Monday, March 14, 2011

#12 Jewel Arms

There’s a tenant that lives on the first floor.  He’s an R&B singer and rapper, always wears a backwards cap, and he has sleeves of tattoos.  Here’s the kicker, he has these rhinestone studs embedded in his arms…IN HIS FUCKING ARMS.  He also has one near his eye, like a rhinestone mole.  This is a thing? 

Anyway, Jewel Arms is dumb as shit.  

Jewel Arms has a studio setup in his loft.  He lives in a corner unit where he shares only one wall with one person.  His setup is against the wall he shares.  As you would imagine, R&B is pretty bass-y.  His neighbor he shares a wall with is a law student.  She has complained to me that his bass is vibrating her walls.  I tell him to move his setup to the corner of the room where he doesn’t share walls. 

Jewel Arms: “I am a producer, and I gotta make my music.  Tell the girl she has to respect what  I do.  I know she is studying to own a bar…” (Wrong, she is studying for the BAR) “but if she was making noise, I wouldn’t say anything.”
Mapple: “Just move your set up to the corner where you don’t share a wall with someone.  You can play it as loud as you want, unless the girl complains about it, then you’ll still have to turn it down.  At least it won’t vibrate their walls.”

He moves his shit, then he plays it too loud, and the girl complains again.
Jewel Arms:  “They are complaining again.  You said that if I moved my setup, I can play it as loud as I want!”
Mapple: “…until it bothers someone, you have to turn it down.  It clearly is bothering them past California Quiet Laws, just turn it down.  You're being selective with what you want to hear, and forgetting the rest.”

He then texts me on another evening at 11pm:
Jewel Arms: Call me plz
Mapple: If it's about your neighbors complaining about your music being too loud, then just turn it down
Jewel Arms: Yeah, but I want you to see it wit ur own eyez. 

Yes, he wants me to see his music with my eyes, and not hear it with my earz; also because using a “Z” is easier than using an “S”. 

Then his fucking stupid girlfriend emails me:
 Jewel Arms Girlfriend:
I would like to make a formal complaint.  Our neighbors are banging on our walls, and it’s very disruptive.

Seriously, bitch?  The reason why they are banging on your walls is because you are playing music too loud.   They aren’t just doing it to practice their Stomp routine. 

Jewel Arms: “Yo, Mapple, they are banging on our walls.  I don’t get it, it’s not like we are banging on their walls”
Mapple: “Your music is so loud, that it’s like you are banging on their walls." 
Jewel Arms: “Oh, I get it.”

No.  He doesn’t.  

Monday, March 7, 2011

#11 Joseph in 603

In my first few days at this stupid fucking job, the old manager warned me of Joseph in 603. 
"He thinks he can just pay rent whenever he wants! I hate him!"

The next month rolls around, and I have to serve a 3-Day Notice to Joseph in 603 because he hasn't paid his rent yet. 
Allow me to set up an image of Joseph in 603.  He is, say 45, curly hair, bad skin, long nails, kind of thin, always wears denim.  I like to imagine him as one of those trannies that the moment you look at them, you wince, because they look nothing like women, but rather, just some dude in a wig awkwardly walking in heels.  This is Joseph in 603.  (he also owns a really cute dog, like a dog too cute to have an owner like this. I am also not saying he's a drag queen, I'm just saying I imagine him as one)

*knock knock*
Me: "Hey, your rent is due"
Joseph in 603: "YOU KNOW WHAT?  I got somethin' to tell you.  I find you disappointing as a resident manager.  It seems like you only care what the company wants, and you don't care about us as residents."
 *long pause so I can process why he's yelling at me*
Me:  "ALRIGHT, JOSEPH IN 603.  I find YOU disappointing as a resident for not paying your rent on time.  I'm just trying to get a hang of this job, so lay off.  The last resident manager warned me about you.  Just pay your rent.  Now you owe a late fee.  Here's your 3-Day Notice!"

Joseph in 603 then gives me this look, like he was not expecting me to bitch back.  He takes the notice, and slowly slinks back into his place, and closes the door as I stare at him. 

I guess that earned his respect, because a few weeks after that, he hands me a popover.
"I just made these.  Here's one for you."
At this point, I still hate him.  I smiled and walked away, then trashed it fearing it may be poisoned. 

He now chit-chats with me in the halls, and calls and texts me for cooking advice.
"Hey Mapple, how long to I put a 6lb chicken in the oven"
"Hey, sorry to bother you, you told me earlier to use parchment paper, where do I get that?"
"Can I still use wine to cook with if I opened it up 2 months ago and it's been in the fridge?"
I don't know how he knows that I can cook, or why he's asking me questions he can easily look up online, but that's neither here nor there.

He now pays his rent on time.  I guess he realized that he can't be a dick to me, so now he's killing me with kindness?
I no longer hate Joseph in 603.

Not Joseph in 603, but you get my gist

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