#45 ShittyHands

Parking is expensive.  In our building, parking does not come with your place.  It's an extra $150 in the parking lot.  To skirt around it, some people think they are fucking geniuses and park in the alley.  If they do so in the day, I call parking enforcement and get them ticketed.  Usually they are blocking my garage or just blocking the alley in general.  I hate them.

One guy used to park his BMW there every night because he knew that parking enforcement didn't ticket at night.  He eventually got parking, and apologized.  The Los Angeles Parking Enforcement, or meter maids, are supposed to be working 24 hours, but I'm sure they're lazy.  Talk about a thankless job.  Everyone hates them...except for me...when they ticket assholes.

Now there is another dick that parks his giant Toyota FJ Cruiser in the alley. 

I'd like to believe that "FJ" stands for fucking jerkbag, because seriously, who chooses to own such a monstrous, annoying vehicle. 

Since this entitled prick has also figured out that he won't get ticketed overnight, he's been parking in the alley, on the reg, for two months. 
I feel kind of bad towing people, because being towed sucks so hard, and I only tow after you've been warned a few times.

The other night, I called Parking Enforcement to come out.  Instead of waiting for them to ticket the guy, I took it upon myself to give this guy my own warning and hand out some justice.  It was around 1:45am, and I was taking my dog out for a walk.  After she pooped, I picked it up with her poopy bag.  Instead of throwing it away, what did I do?  I smeared it all over his door handle.
I didn't take a photo of it, but imagine that SUV picture above, with brown shit smeared all over the front and back of the handle.

The next day, I looked on the security camera to catch his reaction.   It's 5:45am, and he comes out the alley door towards his car.  He goes for the handle, but then he backs up and looks at it.  We have established that he has seen it.  He still uses the shit handle to open to the door.  ShittyHands starts his car and is about to drive away, but stops, opens his door and gets out.  He looks at the SUV parked behind him to see if they've been given a dose.

They have not.  (although, if I see these guys again, they're getting shit-handled)
He walks back to his car in a huff.
It's been two days so far, and I have yet to see him back in the alley.
Justice served.

He touched this dog's feces

*apparently there's a name for it: Rauch
I'm not going to honor that, as I believe being shit-handled is a lot catchier and more descript.

#44 Rick Asshole is in Eviction

It's January 5th, the day I walk around and hand notices to people that haven't paid their rent yet.  I have to knock on their door and hand them the notice.  If they don't answer, I have to tape it to their door.  People hate that, as it's embarrassing to them.  I have to do this by law.  I'm pretty sure the law was written to quietly humiliate people.
Of course, #401 Rick Asshole is one of the people paying late.  When the elevator door opens to the 6th floor, I can hear music blaring.  It is, of course, Rick Asshole's unit.  I knock on his door, but of course, he doesn't answer.  I stick his notice on his door, relieved that I didn't have to see him.  The music that was blaring, in case you were wondering, was Sigur Rós.  Don't get me wrong, I liked that band fine a decade ago, but only this asshole would turn the dial to eleven in 2012. I'm sure he would describe them as this new band from Europe, that's "all thinky and cool."  Ugh, I hate this guy. 

After a few weeks of not paying, my head office sends his paperwork to eviction.  You would think that would make me happy, but not so.  It's not like we can just kick him out.  Eviction is a long bureaucratic process that takes three months to kick someone out.  This is going to be a nightmare for three months.  
"I told you I would pay rent, why am I getting evicted?"
"Because you didn't pay rent.  How do you think people go to eviction?  It's when they don't pay rent. Like what you're doing now."
After you get sent to eviction, there is an additional legal fee that the courts charge us.  He eventually paid rent and the late fee, but he did not pay the legal fee, so he's still in eviction.
"Why am I still in eviction?  I paid."
"You didn't pay the legal fee.  You will be taken out of eviction when all the fees are paid."
"This is illegal. You can't make me pay these made up fees. I'm not paying them."
"It's not illegal, and you are going to be evicted. What is illegal is you occupying a unit without paying for it...so there's that"
This does not get through his head.  I now see how he's gotten this far in life.  He has argued and annoyed people to get his way.  Not this time.   

This went on for three months. Then he requested a court hearing to argue the legal fees.  What his dumbass doesn't notice is the court charges $300 for courtroom fees.  The legal fee he's fighting is not much more than that. I'm just hoping he pays off everything before the court date, so I don't have to go.  

Of course he doesn't pay.  I'm fucking irritated to have to even go to court.  We've all been to court.  It's terrible.  Eviction court is especially depressing.  It's full of deadbeats, the elderly and immigrants that can't pay their rent, lawyers that have generally given up on the thrill of practicing law, and landlords that want to avoid confrontation with their tenants and not look like the bad guy.  Then you have me: Annoyed that I had to wake up early and get dressed to sit in a courtroom that smells like the 60's, tweeting away my boredom. 

Here I am at court.  I don't get the way people dress when they go to court. These dregs of society are wearing open-toed shoes and cotton shorts. Where do these rock-eaters think they are, a backyard barbeque?  Show some decency.  Your are in a court of law.

I find my lawyer and sit in a courtroom for a few hours until our name is called. Of course, Rick Asshole doesn't show up.  I have to give a testimony and tell judge I want him out. 

I leave, satisfied that at least now, he's gone.  

I call the head office:
"Hey, just keeping you updated.  Rick Asshole didn't show up and we went through all the motions.  He's supposed to be out now."
"He paid everything yesterday. The court appearance was cancelled.  No one told you?"
"NO.  NO ONE TOLD ME." 

Goddamn it.  Godfuckingdamnit!  Of course this guy waits until the very last day to pay up.  Not only did I waste my time going to and dealing with court, but the satisfaction I had with the idea of Rick Asshole out of my building had been obliterated.  

This guy is THE WORST in every single way!

GODDAMN IT, RICK ASSHOLE!

#43 Rick Asshole

Since the biggest asshole in the building transferred out, the hole has been replaced by another sack.  Normally, when I put phone numbers in my baby monitor, it goes Unit Number - Name.  For example, #916 - Gary.  In my contacts, my #1 is input at #401 - Rick Asshole.

I first learned Rick was an asshole a month after he moved in with his roommate.  The roommate, a very polite, quiet guy came in my office asking if he can get his name off the lease and move out.

"Why do you want your name off the lease?"
"Because Rick is illogical and I didn't know he was like this when I agreed to move in with him."
"What do you mean he's illogical?"
"He doesn't think like a normal person.  Since we live in a one-bedroom, I made the living room area into my room.  I was trying to go to sleep once, and he started playing his music really loud while doing push ups."
"You just signed the lease, and I can't have your name taken off.  If he agrees to pay rent in full, then you are free to move out."

Okay, so...I don't hate the guy yet.  He may be a little weird.  It's his roommate's fault for not knowing that Rick was crazy before they moved in.

A few months after that, I get a call:
Hey, it's Rick from #401.  I won't be able to get my rent in until the 8th. 

Thanks for telling me.  Please make sure you add a late fee of $150. 

That's so much.  You can't not charge me that. 

Well...since you asked so kindly, fine.  The first late fee I can waive as a favor to you. (it's something the company does, is allow one late fee to be waived, but only if they ask, and only for the first time)

Good. 

Just know that any other time you are late, you have to pay a late fee. 

Well that's fucked up.

What?  

Every time I'm late you're charging me $150?  That's so fucked up.

It may seem like a lot, but that's to keep you from paying late. It's nothing personal. 

Yeah, but if I tell you ahead of time I'm late, it's really fucked up of you to charge me every time.  It's not my fault. 

It is your fault.  You're the one that's not keeping enough money in your account.  The late fee is the consequence. How are you not getting this?

And literally, this conversation goes on and on for no fucking reason.  I'm just repeating myself and he keeps telling me how it's 'fucked up'.  This is what made me start hating him.

The following week. I get this call:

Hello.  It's Rick's mother.  I want to pay for my son's parking as a gift. 

Sure, you can send in a payment for parking for him, but he hasn't paid rent yet, so you should probably give him money for that.   (Oh, by the way, Rick Asshole is like, 35)

Don't tell him, though.  It's a surprise.  My poor boy, he doesn't have money this month. I want to give him a present....

And then SHE wouldn't shut the fuck up about her 'poor son.'  I see where he gets it from.  I, now, not only hate Rick, but his long-winded mother, too.

Rick Asshole gave me shit about my signs during Labor Day. Which was the worst day I've ever had at this goddamn job.   He says he finds them 'inappropriate' for when he has "business clients" over.  Also that he "doesn't need a stupid reminder," because he "knows when rent is due, and knows when it's late."  He really sent me over the ledge that day
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A few months later, I run into Rick Asshole at an American Apparel Warehouse sale.  He tries to say hi and butter me up.  I know he hates me. He thinks if he pretends to be all nice and friendly to me, that I'll like him. I'm sure he thinks at least if I like him, he can be on my good side.  I can see right through this motherfucker.  He's not sly enough nor good-looking enough to get away with it. 
For awhile after that, when he'd see me, he would mention meeting up at American Apparel again, like that's our only common bond of fun.  He can fuck off.
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We have bike racks in the basement, and it started to get really cluttered and people were just abandoning bikes.  It was a huge mess.  I put up a sign for a month that said for people to either claim their bikes and register them with me, or we are cutting the locks and giving away the bikes for donation.  Mostly everyone got their bike and registered. Those that didn't, got their lock cut and put into storage for a few days before they were donated.
*ring ring*

Hey, it's Rick!  Where's my bike?

Well, it's in storage.  We can go get it now if you want.  (It's 8pm on a Sunday night)  Let's meet in the basement.

So we meet in the basement.  He doesn't say anything and I take him into storage.  He's huffing and puffing the whole time he's  trying to find his bike in this clusterfuck of trash bikes.  He finds it and walks away without acknowledging me.
Then out of annoyance he blurts out,
"This is illegal!  How can you just cut my lock?"
"I don't know why you're mad, I had the sign up saying this was happening and on what date."
"No one reads those stupid signs, Mapple!"
"People do read them.  Maybe you should read them because there is important information on them, because if you did, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

As you can see, my interactions with Rick Asshole are not funny.  It's annoying as fuck.  That is why I have kept from talking about him. I'm only telling you this now to keep you up to date for this next entry...#44 Rick Asshole is in Eviction.

Here is a palette cleanser for the both of us

#42 Even More Elevator Signs

I feel the need to entertain these babies with my "Rent is Due" signs.  People tell me they either look forward to it or they fucking hate the signs because they hate me.  They don't so much tell me this, as much as they just write all over my signs and then tear them down or scratch at them.  Sometimes they write on it just to correct any grammar.  Either way, everyone's a critic.

 I really racked my brain on trying to figure out a word that wasn't offensive to call these people.  Naturally, I wanted to go with "assholes" but that, of course, is not acceptable.  Goobers was the least offensive thing to call them...unless there is an underlying horrible origin of calling someone a "goober." Either way, this one didn't incite anger in anyone.

 This one was referencing this event.  I really was encouraging people to go.  As for seeing their faces...I "love" it.

People really didn't care for this one.  In one of the elevators, the NBA reference was strategically ripped out. In another elevator, it was torn in half, and only half of it remained.  You can't please everyone.

 I had friends visiting from out of town.  I didn't feel like thinking of anything.  This one is a total phoner.

Recently, I had a tenant tell me that he was in the elevator, and he watched someone scrape the shit out of my sign with a key.  Some people just don't get my humor. Mainly, humorless dicks that pay late and make my life a living hell.