Tuesday, April 26, 2011

#18 Bosh Bischer is gone!

If you recall, the biggest asshole in my building is Bosh Bischer.  He left to go to Brazil for several months, and he came back in February.  He made his presence known when he came back because he called and emailed me every other day about transferring to a different unit.
I had to take the time to show him every unit I had or ones that were coming up, to have him haggle with me on each and every single one.

Me: You can't downgrade within your lease unless you find someone to replace you, and they have to sign a new lease
Bosh: Just do me a favor, baby.  Find someone for me.  
Me: No, the whole point is for you to do all the work, because I get nothing out of this helping you out.  
Bosh: Fine, I'll just upgrade.  This show I produced just got picked up by the Oprah channel.  I just got a check for $40,000.
Me: Okay, which one do you want to upgrade to?
Bosh: One of the penthouses
Me: I don't have a penthouse available
Bosh: How about that one on the 3rd floor, how much is it?
Me: It's $1950
Bosh: I'll take it if you can get it to me for $1695 and you paint the stairs red for me.
Me: No
---------------one week later--------------
Bosh: Hey Mapple, can you give me that unit on the 10th floor that I saw?
Me: No, it's a downgrade. You can't downgrade.
Bosh: Help me out, Mapple. We're friends!  I'm broke.  I can't afford my place anymore.
He says this shit, completely forgetting how he told me how much money he had a week prior.

Bosh continues to text, email and call me non stop about transferring to a cheaper unit, and getting two other tenants involved, which end up not wanting to deal with him, and instead complain about him to me.  This bullshit goes on for two months.   It's all an unneeded pain in my ass.
I get an email from one of my fellow resident managers in another one of our buildings:

Hi Mapple ,
Hope all is well.
So, Bosh Bischer wants to transfer into my PH10 here. It’s listed at $2000. He wants to see if he can rent it at $1800.
Let me know what you need from me.
Thanks, Natalie 

Holy Shit. All is well.  Bosh decides to just go to another one of our buildings!  This is one of the best emails I could ever receive.  
I think it's over, but, of course, it's not.  He is still downgrading, which is not allowed, so I have to set up a meeting for him to talk to my boss.   He annoys my boss so much, that the boss just lets him transfer over, without finding a replacement, but doesn't reduce the rent.  
This news, of course, makes me insanely happy to get this fucker out of my building.  Bosh, however, does not leave quietly. 
*ring ring*
Me: Hey, you need to sign your new lease
Bosh: Come up to my place
Me: No, I'm not there, and you should come to the office
I find myself on his floor doing other shit anyway, and I go to his place, he's not there.
Me: Where are you?  You said you'd be at your place
Bosh: I'm on the rooftop at the pool. Come up.
I'm so anxious to just get him the fuck out, so I meet him at the rooftop pool.  He's just lounging around, and I'm making him sign papers while he's sunning.  At this moment, I realize how much of a servant I look and feel like.  
Bosh: Hey, do you see my arms?  I've been working out.
Me: That's great, Bosh, just hurry up.
Bosh: Wait, this says 12-month, I just wanted a 6-month lease!
Then he proceeds to call my head office to bitch, and they said he can't have a 6 month lease.  This is taking up more annoying time.  Then one of my other tenants jumps in the pool.
Bosh: Who the fuck does this guy think he is?  Doesn't he see I'm signing papers?  What a dumbass...
Me: Bosh, just sign the fucking lease.  I have to go.
And after a few more minutes of trying to convince him to sign his lease, he finally signs it.  This, however, is not as blissful as I thought it would be, because by then, I was sweaty from being on the rooftop in a sweater, angry that he's wasted so much of my time, and I had to hurry to an audition.  

After all of this, this motherfucker is FINALLY gone from my building.  The witch is dead!

The other resident manager calls me:
Me: Now someone else understands the suffering I had to go through.  I'm free!
Natalie: I hate you.
Me: I know.  I'm sorry.  

Now I have another guy that has inherited the asshole crown.  He's four notches down on the asshole pole from Bosh, so it's not that bad.  More about that guy later. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

#17 More Elevator Signs

I've gathered another three months of my ingenious signs for these ungrateful babies.  These are what they look like when they are new and nice, but after a day or two, they are either torn down, commented on, partially ripped, or penis'd.

I'll find some signs where someone will write a stupid comment, and then someone else will comment about how stupid their comment is.  I'm thinking about just covering the elevator in butcher paper and letting people draw all over it like at the tables of Macaroni Grill.  People would just steal the crayons, though.

 Some stupid girl wrote in stupid girl handwriting "<----Sucks!" next to The Smiths. Then someone else (I'm assuming a Smiths fan) ripped her commentary out of the sign.  I guess when you don't have a pen, you just rip the shit out.  On the plus side, none of the signs were torn down that month.
I only have a few children in the building, so I went to one of their places to ask them for a crayon.  I told her I'd bring it back.  I didn't.  I was pressing too hard and broke it.  I never returned it.  Sorry, little girl.
A comment someone wrote on one of these signs was "Just be yourself."  Like I hide behind these signs because I don't want to reveal my true self.  Right.  Thanks for that, bitch.

I had to really think about all the things I would do that did not involve breaking and entering, or seem like a threat.  Seriously, everything I thought of was physically violent or just illegal.  Examples being: meeting you in your living room with a baseball bat, holding your dog hostage, stealing your couch...etc.  The arm biting I figured was PG enough, and also could not be taken as a true threat.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

#16 This Week

Let's go over what happened this past week that sucked my ass:
  • I had to yell at the security company about the security guard that made me pick up human shit, so he would have less shifts because I hate him
  • Some baby called me at 1am crying about how he was locked out, and didn't pay me.  Of course, for that, every time I see him, I will ask him about it and annoy him until he does pay me
  • Pigeon called me five times this week for no reason, and then called the night security guard to tell him what she's making for dinner and chit-chat...which he then complained to me about
  • I got a report from another useless security guard that said there was puke in the alley, I don't know why he needed to tell me that.  It's just a waste of paper.  
  • Two out of the three babies I currently have in eviction tried to squirrel their way out of paying less, then yelled at me about what they're lawyers told them. 
  • I had to collect rent, and argue with another asshole baby about how he refuses to pay until the 5th
  • These new babies left a giant fridge in the hall, which I had to harp on them for it.  Why did they even bring it?  They know that a fridge was included.  I got so many complaints about it. 
  • I had to use a Magic Eraser to rub off poorly drawn, but detailed, veiny penises with eyeballs, off a hallway wall near the gym
  • A baby tried to make hush puppies, and instead caused a grease fire, which ended up looking like this:
Pretty gnarly, right?

The microwave actually still worked

He also melted his faucet in the sink.  This cost him $300 for us to fix and replace his shit
In my other life as an actor, I had three auditions.  I didn't book any of them, so this goddamn job continues.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

#15 Bosh Bischer

This next tale is about another baby.  For anonymity's sake, we'll name him Bosh Bischer.  This is basically his name with a letter or two switched out (or is it a dude whose first name is really Bosh?).


With a building of over 400 people, that's an impressive feat.
He's a Hollywood agent type, like Ari Gold, but real, and not as charming.

First day he moves in:
Bosh "Look at this spot on the cabinet, I need it painted"
Mapple "You're being super nit-picky.  I don't even see what you're talking about."
Bosh "You want me to be nit-picky?  I'll be nit-picky!  The fridge is making a noise, there's a mark on the wall above the kitchen cabinet all the way up there, and there's a scratch on the floor. Give me a discount!"
Mapple "Dude, whatever, I'll talk to my maintenance guy about this.  And you just made that scratch on the floor with your couch."
I knew I was in for it from that day on.   
He calls maintenance daily about little shit that doesn't matter.  They eventually got fed up with him, and told him if he needs something done, to fill out a maintenance request form.  After that, he would call saying it's an emergency, and his place was flooding.  It wasn't.  "That's the only way I can get you guys to come in here, if I say there's an emergency."
Bosh had this giant bull mastiff, and instead of taking it outside, he would open up the stairwell, and let it just pee in the stairwell.  He swore up and down it wasn't him.  I even put up a sign that said:
What are you doing?  Why would you even use these stairs on the 11th floor?  Is it to let your dog pee?  Please don't do it.
It's obvious you don't clean it up.  You are making the hall smell. 
This is all your fault.   It's teaching your dog a horrible lesson.
It  makes you a bad dog owner.
He then gave the dog away, and the peeing stopped.  Mystery solved.  

Another time, his other dog peed in the hall near the building's cleaning lady, and he said to her, "HEY! Clean that. It's your job." 
He's also the kind of person that doesn't pick up after his dog, nor does he keep it on a leash. 
Bosh went away for two months, and he had his friend stay in his unit.  He told his friend that rent was way more than it really was, so he can make a profit from his friend.  His friend is also a literal pimp.  This pimp had one of his 'girls' stay with him. (She eventually got a unit of her own.) Amazingly, though, I much preferred the pimp.  He was a cool guy (a classy celebrity clientele pimp, not this kind of pimp), and I would rather have him as a tenant that Bosh. 
That was a blissful two months, with no calls, texts or emails from him. 

Then he comes back, and the shittiness ensues.
All this by just ONE person.  One terrible human being.
Only bad pet owners allow their dogs to act like this.  Also, hilarious photo, right?
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