Friday, October 28, 2011

#34 Pigeon V - The Haunting

*ring ring*
"Mapple! Guess what?"
"I don't know. What."
"I went to my cabinet to get my pills I take in the morning, you know, for my acid reflux, and the cap was open. And then yesterday, I heard the door click, like someone tried to open my door, so I talked to the neighbor and they said it wasn't them."
"What are you telling me, you think someone came in your place?  Maintenance didn't go into your place, if you think that's it."
"No.  There is something creepy going on.  I'm about to take my Halloween decorations down, because it's gettin' creepy up in this, you feelin' me?"
"So you think that you're experiencing paranormal activity in this new unit?"
"No, Mapple, I ain't being paranoid.  I'm normal.  I ain't crazy."
"I meant...paranormal means...ugh.  So you think you have ghosts."
"Yeah, I gotta show you.  Come up."
"No, Pigeon, I have stuff to do.  What do you want me to do?  I can't do anything about this.  This is a really old building..."

And she won't get off the phone with me, so again, to sate her, I go up to her place.  She's showing me her proof, like her decorations have been turned askew or at the angle she didn't leave it at.

"Why they messin' with my stuff?  Also, one day, I was all sleepin' on the couch and I wake up and there's a tall black bald man in a suit standing near the door.  Was this an office before?"  
And by now, I'm just humoring her. She's convinced that spirits are haunting her, so there's really no way to logically explain shit to her, like maybe her asshole kid moved shit around, or maybe she forgot to screw the cap back on her acid reflux meds.
"You know, this was an office building before it was a loft building.  This used to be an old bank back in the 30's.  I haven't heard much from the other tenants about ghosts, but maybe they are around and you're just more spiritual, so you can sense it better than everyone else."
"Yeah, I am more spiritual.  I feel a presence. When I be washing my dishes, I am finding shapes in the water on my counter, like hearts, giraffes and dinosaurs."
"Woah, a dinosaur.  That really is a distinct shape to spot."
"No, it's real.  I know they ain't real, but how are their shapes appearing on my counter?"
"I said distinct, not extinct...I know you know that dinosaurs are extinct...(sigh)...I'm sorry, what do you want me to do again?"
"I got pictures. Three are on my phone, but I can't show you because it's dead, but I'll show you the one I have on my computer."
"Email that to me."
"How do I do that?"
Just so I could get this picture and show you guys, I taught her how to log into Gmail on her computer and send a fucking email, because she only knows how to do it on her phone.

I present to you her proof she has ghosts.
See the heart?  I guess that means the ghost loves her
 Happy Halloween, folks.

Friday, October 7, 2011

#33 Additional Elevator Signs

After that annoying conversation I had on the roof with one of the babies I hate most, I thought, "Should I still put up my entertaining as shit elevator signs?"  Then, after no consideration, I thought, "Fuck this guy for making me doubt the wonderfulness of my work."

As I've mentioned before, I went and purchased Febreze plugins to make the hallway around the trash chute smell not like trash.  As of this date, 5 (out of 12) remain.

I found two of these signs ripped down on the floor. This incited anger in a few people. (I'm thinking the ones that stole the air freshners.) I don't even take offense anymore.  I just imagine a baby reading it and getting so angry at a sign that they tear it down, rip it up, crumple it, and then throw in on the ground in rage.  What a spaz.

I really phoned this one in.  I did not even feel like being creative for these ungrateful dicks because I figured it was going to get ripped down anyway.  Turns out, this one stayed up the longest.

Copying and pasting pictures makes for a very easy and visual sign.  I didn't want to make it too Halloweeny with pumpkins and shit because this isn't an elementary school.  Mustaches have become more socially acceptable and not just a hipster thing anymore, so I figured this general mass of assholes may find humor in it.  Ugh, I don't even care anymore.  
The bottom part may be too small to read, but in an attempt of self promotion, it says to look for me in a Walgreens commercial coming up this month.  It's a Halloween one.  I also have a JC Penney out right now.  If you don't know what I look like, well, just watch any of those above mentioned commercials this month and pick out one woman.  Use whomever you choose as your mind avatar for Mapple.
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