#3 Security: Jerry

In the overnight shift is Jerry.  Jerry is actually a good guard.  Too good.  He's this super tall, muscular man, but dumb as bricks.  I don't think he understands that I'm not the 'night manager,' I'm just THE resident manager.  He will call me at all hours of the night for no fucking reason.  He cares a little too much.
I see a call from Security in the middle of the night, I think it's some kind of emergency.  Not with Jerry.

*ring, ring*
Me: Hello.
Jerry:  Hey, Mapple, it's Jerry from Security
Me: What do you want.
Jerry: There is a loud beeping that's going on every few minutes from a unit down here, should I go in and check it out?
Me: No, it's just a fire alarm that needs a new battery.  Is that it?
Jerry: yes

another time

*ring ring*
Me: Yes, what.
Jerry: Hey Mapple, it's Jerry from Security
Me: Yeah, I know
Jerry: There is a leak in the garage
Me: Is it a big leak, is water everywhere?
Jerry: No, it's just a drip.  I thought I'd let you know...

Please keep in mind, I don't do maintenance.  Does he think I'm going to jump out of bed with a wrench to fix a leak in the basement where no one lives at 3am?

When UPS and FedEx come to the building, and the people aren't home, they leave it in this room behind security so people can pick it up later.

*ring ring*
Me: uh-huh
Jerry: Hey Mapple, it's Jerry from Security
Me: right, what?
Jerry: There are a lot of packages in the back room
Me: it's very late, Jerry, did one of them explode or something?
Jerry: No, there is just a lot more than usual.
Me: It's the holidays, everyone is gone.  Is that it?
Jerry: yes

 I fucking hate Jerry.