Friday, December 9, 2011

#36 Tenant "Appreciation" "Party"

My company owns the building next door, where the first and second floor was the grand lobby of Bank of America back in the olden days.  It has been turned into an event hall where it is rented to people who hold swank parties, lavish weddings, and various filmings.
My boss decided to hold a Holiday Tenant Appreciation Party for all the tenants of all five of his buildings. I actually thought it was a nice idea.  Around 500 people showed up.  What enticed people to come was the promise of free food, booze and a "free rent lottery". 
Here I am, dreading this stupid party because as much as I like eating and drinking on someone else's dime, I have to make nicey with the idiots.

Since I don't have a dress code with this job, I usually look like total shit.  (for instance, I'm wearing workout clothes right now.  Will I work out? Who knows.)  When I put makeup on, it's for an audition.  I'm sure when people from the building see me dressed well, they must think I'm going to court.
What I'm saying is that I normally look like a Kathy cartoon.
I get all gussied up for this party with the full intention of getting straight hammered.  I talk to the various tenants I actually like, harass the caterers to bring more shrimp my way, and pour Amstel Light down my throat.
There is a stage where a band (one of the tenants) plays, the rent lottery was announced (where right after, half the crowd left) and it's also where my boss wanted to thank everyone for coming.  I did not know this was happening.  He proceeds to call all of us managers and leasing agents up.  My leasing agent Charlotte slunk out awhile ago.  Smart.
Of course, no one knows how to talk into a mic, and no one can hear anything.  In my drunken stupor, I decide to take charge since I was the only one that knows how to use a mic on stage. I yank the mic from my boss' hand while saying "Give it" and proceed with this:

"Hello everybody, I'm Mapple from the building next door.  Where are you people that live in next door?  I know you're out there."  I hear various parts of the room clap and woot.
"Great.  Well, guys, thanks for being here.  I hope you're having a good time..." and since I didn't know I was even going up there, I didn't have anything prepared, so I just said:
"...I don't know what I'm doing up here.  I've got nothing.  Should I do some stand-up?"
"Ok, sure.  Guys, what's the deal with beer, right?"
Here's a fact:  I don't have a standup routine, nor do I do any standup.  I'm just an attention hogging actor with a mic.  I had a beer in my hand and that was the only thing I could think to say.  I was really amused with myself, however, but since I had no punchline, I just said:
"I'm kidding, take this mic away from me."
And then the boss is so confused, and he takes the mic, says something inaudible, and puts it on the stand.  I asked "Is that it?" and he shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess."
The audience is just standing there watching us, so I just yell back into the mic, "Ok, cool, guys.  That's it. Party on!"

Ok, cool, guys.  That's it.  Party on.



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