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Friday, May 6, 2011

#19 Security: Things Naseem Says

My favorite security guard, let's call him Naseem, is always full of stories.  He's the mid-afternoon/evening guard, and is the eyes and ears of this building.  He sits at the front desk and greets people, sees them come and go, chit-chats with them when they get their mail, helps them with anything...etc.  He's been here longer than I have, and knows the babies better.  When the babies cry to me, they are either complaining, want something, or are on their best behavior because they've done something wrong.   Naseem gets them for all the other times. 

Naseem: "Did you hear about that girl in 407?  That black girl with the hair?  She's a hooker.  I see her in the day, walk out in little shorts down the street and get picked up by cars.  She's prostituting...I know it."
Me: "You mean Jenny?  She's a student."
Naseem: "Yeah, but how she make money?  She's a street walker, that's how."

He also likes to show me things on the security camera.
"Look at this camera footage...you see that light speck?  That's a ghost.  I went into the basement, and I swear I saw a ghost.  Too many ghosts here!" 
"Did you see that guy letting his dog shit in the alley and not pick it up?  Watch this...look at me, you see me yelling at him, and he's cursing at me, but I make him pick it up. Stupid son-of-a-bitch."

Other things:
"Hey Mapple, did hear about Pearl in 115?  She prostitutes on the internet. These two ugly dudes came in asking for her, and I was suspicious, so I walked them to her door and she opens the door, sticks out her hand, they gave her money, and she let them in.  Those dudes were disgusting."

"That Pigeon...she beats her kid.  I know it.  That cute little kid.  I've heard him scream, "No, Mommy, don't!" and I feel really sorry for that poor kid.  She beats him, I KNOW it!  I bought him a Gameboy, he's a good kid"

"Hey, you know that Jeff in 1103?  He came up to me and asked me if could go to the hot tub area on the roof and watch him and his wife have sex.  He said his wife likes it when authority is watching.  I said no, that's sick, and the pool and hot tub area are closed at 10pm."

What's amusing is that he doesn't just tell this to me.  He'll tell anyone that walks by.  Naseem is like our building's gossip queen, know-it-all that works for the school 'zine, and thinks he'll grow up to be a journalist one day...but alas, he is a middle aged security guard in a stupid building full of assholes.
The Google Image search for "gossip" yields amusing stock photos

5 comments:

Dick-tacular said...

It's funny, because that last line you wrote makes me picture a skyscaper filled to the brim with actual assholes.

Anonymous said...

"He said his wife likes it when authority is watching." --- I like the idea that "Naseem" is authority.

Anonymous said...

Can you please find out what the young lady in 407 charges for her services?

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about being the building madam? You could totally take over this whole pimpin' game!

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