Friday, March 30, 2012

#45 ShittyHands

Parking is expensive.  In our building, parking does not come with your place.  It's an extra $150 in the parking lot.  To skirt around it, some people think they are fucking geniuses and park in the alley.  If they do so in the day, I call parking enforcement and get them ticketed.  Usually they are blocking my garage or just blocking the alley in general.  I hate them.

One guy used to park his BMW there every night because he knew that parking enforcement didn't ticket at night.  He eventually got parking, and apologized.  The Los Angeles Parking Enforcement, or meter maids, are supposed to be working 24 hours, but I'm sure they're lazy.  Talk about a thankless job.  Everyone hates them...except for me...when they ticket assholes.

Now there is another dick that parks his giant Toyota FJ Cruiser in the alley. 

I'd like to believe that "FJ" stands for fucking jerkbag, because seriously, who chooses to own such a monstrous, annoying vehicle. 

Since this entitled prick has also figured out that he won't get ticketed overnight, he's been parking in the alley, on the reg, for two months. 
I feel kind of bad towing people, because being towed sucks so hard, and I only tow after you've been warned a few times.

The other night, I called Parking Enforcement to come out.  Instead of waiting for them to ticket the guy, I took it upon myself to give this guy my own warning and hand out some justice.  It was around 1:45am, and I was taking my dog out for a walk.  After she pooped, I picked it up with her poopy bag.  Instead of throwing it away, what did I do?  I smeared it all over his door handle.
I didn't take a photo of it, but imagine that SUV picture above, with brown shit smeared all over the front and back of the handle.

The next day, I looked on the security camera to catch his reaction.   It's 5:45am, and he comes out the alley door towards his car.  He goes for the handle, but then he backs up and looks at it.  We have established that he has seen it.  He still uses the shit handle to open to the door.  ShittyHands starts his car and is about to drive away, but stops, opens his door and gets out.  He looks at the SUV parked behind him to see if they've been given a dose.
They have not.  (although, if I see these guys again, they're getting shit-handled)
He walks back to his car in a huff.
It's been two days so far, and I have yet to see him back in the alley.
Justice served.
He touched this dog's feces
*apparently there's a name for it: Rauch
I'm not going to honor that, as I believe being shit-handled is a lot catchier and more descript.


whitney said...

GENIUS. I love this so much.

Anonymous said...

you're quite the pervert, aren't you?

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