Friday, February 18, 2011

#9 Couch

A tenant, let's name her Unit 815, kept calling me for advice on moving.  She was moving to New York, and I was helping her out because she had never made the move and was all scared.  She needed all the help she could get.  I've made this cross-country move before, so I'm basically a pro.  Why wouldn't she ask me? 

She was selling all of her furniture, but she couldn't sell her couch.  At the time, I needed a couch, specifically, a microfiber, dark gray sectional with a chaise.  She had exactly a microfiber, dark gray sectional with a chaise.  Fucking perfect.   I went to look at it, and it was pretty much what I wanted, but I didn't feel like paying her $300 for it, so I said forget it. 

815:  What am I going to do with this couch? I can't sell it, and I'm moving tomorrow. 
Me: You can just leave it, and we can have maintenance take it out for you.  I won't charge you the moving fee since you are already so stressed about your move.  

I say this because I'm fully aware that if she leaves it, it's mine...for free.  I call it a "Move-Out Special". 
She moves out, turns in her keys, and the next day, my BF and I go to her unit and take it.  It was a bitch, because this sectional was kind of huge. 
I am so happy to have the couch we wanted, and not have to pay for it.  
Upon sitting on it, I realize it is sunken-in in the middle, as the wooden frame is broken in half.  There are little holes all over it, due to cigarette burns.  Plus, this fucking couch reeks of cigarette smoke. I tried taking the cover off of it to wash it, and inside the crevices of the couch are whole cigarettes just marinating the couch with the stench of tobacco.  

The next day, I get a call:
815: So my sister and I figured she could just keep the couch in her garage, but she went in the unit last night because she has spare keys to get it, and it was gone.  Did you take it?
Me: (Panic-ey)  I had maintenance clean up already.  
815: Oh no, do you think we can get it back?
Me: Uh no, 815, it's already gone to the trash. 
815: But it's Sunday, the trash people don't come on Sundays.
Me: Yeah...but it's in the dumpster area already...where we dump dirty old mattresses...with bedbugs and stuff.   You wouldn't want it back now.  
815: oh, that's too bad.
Me: Oh man, had I known...I wish I would have taken it so you can have it back, but there's no turning back once it's in the dumpster area.  
815: Oh, ok.  Well, thanks so much anyway!

GREAT.  Now I have a broken tobacco couch and I feel super guilty for stealing her shit.  
(Which, whatever, she turned in her keys, which means she relinquishes her unit and everything in it.  Her sister isn't supposed to have keys.  What's that bitch doing with keys still? )   

A few days later I get an email:  "815 has requested to be your friend on Facebook.  Accept/Decline" 
I accept because I feel bad.  I can never have pictures of me or anyone sitting on this couch posted.   
The Actual Couch
Side Note: I have since blocked her on FB, so she'll have no way of reading this. 

Another Side Note: This couch was far from being "free" as every time I sat on the couch and caught a whiff of the smoke, I felt bad.  This went on for months. 
We had to open it up to repair the broken frame. I had it steam cleaned TWICE to get the smoke smell out of it, as well as take off all the covers to wash it, and sew up the tiny burn holes riddled in the couch. For weeks, we had couch parts airing out in my loft.  The cigarette smell was so deeply embedded, months later I still get whiffs of smoke.  I guess I deserve that. 
But hey, now that the feeling of guilt has subsided, look at this couch, huh?!


Jedediah Johnson said...

Man this sure is an awful gig! It sucks how these horrible tenants leave their shit in such bad condition for you to steal it.

I was kind of hoping she would just send her sister to get it from the dumpster area and you would have to make a mad dash to get it down there before she arrived. All kinds of physical comedy would ensue. Then in the climax of the caper the sister shows up at the worst possible time totally incriminating you and she's like Sophia Coppela or something and super pissed at you. Then a year later she comes out with a movie that stars an actress that totally looks like you as a character that is basically just like you. And that would have been your big break, but you had to have the shitty stinking couch.

Wait. Let's make that movie!

Anonymous said...

I KNEW it!!!!


Anonymous said...

hhahahhahahahaha, I was so gong to do the "-815" thing!!!!

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