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Thursday, January 26, 2012

#40 Hero

I'm moderately sick and my internet in the office is down, so I decide to just watch TV in my place and do jack shit.
*ring ring*
"Hey, it's Dennis in #527.  Can security go to my unit?"
"I'll do it.  What is it?"
"My ex-girlfriend is in there and I think she's trying to hurt herself."
*sigh* "What do you want me to do?"
"Call me back when you get there."

I don't mind doing this as much because I live on the same floor, so it's just a simple walk down the hall.  How bad can it be?  I get to the unit and hear sobbing.  After knocking with no answer, I bust in and see an empty apartment.
Now imagine a girl sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying, yelling on the phone, and feverishly sawing at her wrist with a steak knife.
"Uhhhh....you need to stop that."
She ignores me and continues to scream into her phone.  I'm inching my way towards her to take the knife away, but I'm a little scared. Since she isn't bleeding everywhere, it must be dull, however, it's still pointy enough to stab.  She's in hysterics as she hangs up her phone, throws herself onto the stairs in the most dramatic way, and drops the knife.  I quickly grab the knife and put it far from her reach.
By now, the security guard has come in to help.  He tries to calm her while I call back Dennis.
"Hey, she's in here freaking out."
"Let me talk to her."
I really do not want to give her my phone because I fear she's going to go into a fit of rage and throw it.  I hand it to her anyway.
She grabs the phone and immediately starts screaming into it:
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT.  I HATE YOU....NO, NO, FUCK YOU!"
I yank the phone back,
"Dennis, where are you?  You need to come deal with this."
"I'm at the airport."
She chimes in, "THAT FUCKER IS LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING ME! HE TRIED TO KILL ME!"
"Are you hearing this, dude? What do you want me to do?  Also, you have clearly moved out and I need all copies of your keys...."
I look over and the crazy bitch is pilfering through her purse.  She finds a smaller knife and starts hacking at her wrists again.  The security guard says, "Where did that other one come from?" and takes it away from her.  (into the phone)
"Oh goddamn it, Dennis, she has another knife"
"Put her on the phone again."
I stand near her and put it on speakphone instead.
"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?! WE WERE ENGAGED! I HAD ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE  BECAUSE OF YOU. (to me) HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE PAID LATE? ISN'T HE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?!"
(Dennis responds over speakerphone) "What does that have to do with anything?"
"HAVEN'T YOU HEARD COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIM? HE CHASED ME DOWN THE ALLEY WITH A KNIFE AND SAYS HE'S GOING TO KILL ME.  LOOK AT WHAT HE SENDS ME!"
She pulls out her phone, and goes through the photos.
"LOOK AT THIS!" and she proceeds to scroll through her pictures, she can't find what she's looking for, so all I'm seeing is her posing in club clothes. Finally she stops at one photo of Dennis holding a knife to his neck.
"SEE, THIS! THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT HE SENDS ME!  I HAD THREE MISCARRIAGES WITH HIM IN THE LAST TWO YEARS!"
Taking it off speakerphone,
"Dennis, I'm getting her out of here.  What she does when he leaves is not my problem."
I make her turn over the keys, and while doing so, I notice her wrists are all red and scraped up.  
The security guard makes her gather her things, escorts her to the door, and out she goes. 

I'm imagining she's out there now, bruised and cut up due to failed, halfhearted attempts to commit suicide, eating pancakes at IHOP and crying.

*Later on, when I was telling this story to my leasing agent, Charlotte, she says,
"Mapple!  You're a hero!"
"If being generally annoyed while incredibly indifferent about a dumb girl's self destruction makes me a hero, then yes, I'm a goddamn hero."
Check out that dried blood at the tip.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Soooooo...this girl - she's single now, yes? Can you post the address to that IHOP you mentioned her possibly being at?

Anonymous said...

Pigeon should of helped...

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